Saturday, January 29, 2011

Why I would rather chop off my own fingers than visit walmart again

I wrote this a few months back after having a particularly horrible visit.

Firstly let us start with the parking lot. If you have not experienced some fat ass holding up you and two other cars because they are waiting some poor person to put up their groceries because they absolutely have to get a parking spot up front well then you are a one in a million. They wait so long that if they would have parked elsewhere then by the time they actually get a spot up front then they could have already been inside of the building already, and so would the other people who they are so kindly holding up. Whenever someone waits for the spot I’m in, I enjoy taking my sweet time and slowly putting my buggie up no matter how far away it is.
Now we move on to the entrance of the store where the buggies are located. Is it the new trend to crowd up the place with massive lines at the red box? Is it the fun thing to do to be loud and rambunctious and block the doors? Obviously so.

Now we are in the building itself. I’ve come to realize that it must be a family event to go to Wal-Mart because almost every time I go people decide to haul along their twelve children and grandparents to block the aisles and get in the way. The children are loud and they run around knocking things over. Watching children scream and cry because they cannot get some lead paint filled made in China toy enforces my plan of not ever spawning one of those little cretins.

Old people. I understand that old people have very boring lives. The only real eventful things they have to look forward to are mealtimes, church and going to Wal-Mart. But why must they go to the store when everyone else does? Don’t most old people wake up at 5 AM ? Go then. Wal-Mart is open 24 hours, and I would very much appreciate not having to deal with you leaving the buggie in the middle of the aisle while you make some scientific decision on which brand of toilet paper you get this time. Also, getting behind you while you are walking through the store is like getting behind you when you are driving to Wal-Mart itself. We’ve dealt with it once, and we don’t want to deal with it again.

I don’t understand people who go to Wal-Mart to have family reunions. I know I’ve written about blocking the aisles, but this falls underneath that. When I hear, “Oh Bob! Bob! I haven’t seen you in years! How’s Mary? Oh really? That’s great. How are the kids? Oh…that’s good to hear. Did Jim get into the Army yet? No? Why not? (Five minutes later)….So how do you like your new job?” I literally want to run them down with my buggie like bowling pins.

I don’t have to many complaints about the people who work there, except whenever I don’t need help they are pushing some gigantic trash can behind me or stocking something where I need to get, but when I have a question about where something is they magically disappear. It makes me wonder if they keep an eye out for people who look like they need help and when they see one they send a message over their walky talkies to avoid that whole area until the person either gives up or leaves.

Check out lines take forever, and the cashiers look miserable and avoid eye contact at all costs. What annoys me most is the people who get in the “Blah blah items or less” lines but clearly have two thousand items in their cart. And also I am lazy for saying this, but I hate having to load my own buggie. I do it because that is usually the most exercise I get that week but still it would be nice to have a worker do it for me.
After visiting that hell hole today I’ve realized that I leave a helluva a lot more satisfied when I go to Wal-Mart at 12 AM than I do when I go during the day. So after today unless I have to get a prescription filled (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THAT) I shall only go to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night. The workers look annoyed at us when we do, and there are a lot more weirdo’s at that time, but at least I get a parking spot in the very front and no one is blocking the aisles. All the old people and children are asleep and the checkout lines are fast.

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